365

1 year.

52 weeks.

365 days.

Seems impossible for so much to have happened in just three hundred sixty five days.

In the last 365 days I have endured what has for sure been the most difficult year of my life. In the last 365 days I have endured so much unexpected change. In the last 365 days I have seen some of the best pieces of myself and some of the worst pieces of myself. I have been strong, I have been weak, I have been powerful, I have been taken advantage of, I have lost a lot but I have gained even more. 

In the last 365 days I have dealt with the diagnosis of cancer in my mother and grandma, the painful passing of my grandmother, intense chemotherapy and two surgeries with my mother. On the flip side, I got to see my mom kick cancers ass, like it was a stomach flu-literally. A no words can describe how amazing it feels to say my mom is cancer free after all we have been through.  

I changed my career path, completely. I left the ONLY thing I ever knew for something completely out of my comfort zone. I left what was safe, familiar and easy for me for something I was not even sure I would be good at. I have succeed and found something else I can do well. Something else that I am passionate about. Something else that inspires me. I felt dead inside at the end of my dance career and I am so happy to say I am alive once again! 

I broke a heart and I had my heart broken. I learned that I am capable of loving which is something I thought for a very long time I was not able to do. I can be a mush. I can be needy. I can be “that girl” I always thought was weak. Why did I think that a woman who is in love with a man was weak? So long as the man is worthy, the woman is not weak but strong for trusting her instinct to let her guard down and let someone in.  Life is not meant to be spent alone…no matter how successful you are…you must give your love to a person who deserves it. I did break a heart and like I said, I got my own heart broken a little later but I learned…I learned that I do have it in me. I learned I am capable and when I do find someone, I will be able to love fully, with no doubts or fear. 

I moved. I am back to the city I love. The city that inspires me. A city that drives me to be the absolute best version of myself.

As I reflect on these 365 days, I think about all of the different emotions I have been through. Worry, devastation, concern, confusion, heart break, loss. However with every one of these negative emotions there was a positive one to follow it- a sense of accomplishment, happiness, fruitfulness, fulfillment, inspiration, lust. 

On May 11th, 365 days will have passed since the worst day of my life. They day I found out my mom and grandma had cancer. 365 days that have bought out the best and the worst in me. 

I will use this one year bench mark as a time to take total control of my life. These past 365 days have been a transition. They have laid the foundation to the rest of my life…I leave the bad behind and I take all I have learned with me. 

I look forward to the next 365 days of my life with courage to conquer all that gives me struggle, with ambition to climb to the top of the corporate ladder, the inspiration to be creative with what I love and share it with the world and the hope to find love, be loved and give all the love that I have in my tremendous heart to my friends, to my family and to someone special. 

Almost 365 days have gone by since the last time I saw my grandma walk. It is the last day of my life that I lived with no worry. It is the last day I walked in to my home and my entire family unit was present and we were not in a hospital. It was the last day my family was, what it was before May 11th, 2013. It was Mother’s Day.

But for me it is a benchmark. 365 days from the worst day of my life, of our lives, but an allowance to make the next 365 days the best days of our lives. 

Happy Mother’s Day to my Mom, who is so important to me I can’t even put it in to the right words. To my Grandma who I miss with every beat of my heart and blink of my eye. To my Aunt Di and Thersea who I know are going to find it difficult to smile this year but I hope you find a way to be happy- 365 days from the worst day of our lives, but an allowance to make the next 365 days the best days of our lives. 

Love to all….

 

Parallel Universe

I’m growing to find that losing a loved one is the most surreal and difficult time of ones life.

It’s like living in a parallel universe…

One that remembers so vividly how life used to be when that person was here with us physically, yet one that knows she is no longer here.

One that accepts the loss but one that is also so angry that one of the biggest pieces of her heart is gone, forever.

One that loves unconditionally and is grateful for the past but one that is undeniably sad and yearns for that person back.

Its like living in a world that isn’t real, this can’t be MY reality. I understand she is gone but it was just a few days ago she was here and a few months ago she was dancing around with me!

It has been 11 of the longest days of my life since I have lost my sweet, beautiful, loving and hysterical grandmother. I have battled with so many feelings and emotions but I have also found the most incredible strength in a time where I needed it most.

As the reality has now set in that she is gone, for the rest of my life, a deep sadness has set in. One that has replaced that strength I had just a few days ago.

I think about so many things…

I think about how she will miss the rest of my life… my husband, my wedding, my children… God willing.

I think about how I will miss her laugh, her supper quick whit.

I think about how no birthday will ever be the same without her traditional singing way off key “happy birthday” voicemail at 7:30 AM!!

I think about the holidays…no more dancing in the kitchen no more sequined red shirts with the full set of glitzy costume jewelry to match.

I think about I’ll never get to watch her enjoy her food ever again, grammy LOVED her food!

But most of I think about her hugs. I will miss her hugs. She gave the best hugs in America. It pains me that I will never, ever get one again.

I try, so hard to make this positive as I make all things in my life but with this current situation I find it so hard to see the light. I miss my grandma, I’d do anything for one more day with her, when she was healthy.

I know myself and my family, we are not unique. Everybody loses somebody too soon. Its a terrible thing but everyone learns to eventually pick up the pieces.

I know every day will get better but I will miss my grammy for the rest of my days.

However, I will always carry a piece of her with me in my laugh, in my smile and in my heart.

I am blessed to have had her for 25 years…I’m selfish.

I want her back.

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Link

Cleansing, with food

Cleansing, with food

It’s funny as years have gone by that I have had this blog and lived my life the way I choose to, many of my friends, family and even strangers come to me when they have questions about cleansing or juicing.

After years of experimenting with relativley every popular cleanse out there, I have found that cleansing with juices is not effective. BUT cleansing your body with raw foods is! And it is something that is possible long term, even for life!

Click the link above!
I found a great resource for cleansing with food. I wanted to share it with you all!
HAPPY CLEANSING.

Health, wealth and happiness to all!

Posted using Tinydesk blog app

Ever Wonder Why?

On May 12th my life changed forever…

It was Mother’s Day, it was also the day I found out my very own mother had breast cancer and my grandma had highly progressed ovarian cancer.

Cancer…?!

CANCER.

This is a word I never thought would be coming out of my mouth in regards to my own family, only for others when I would say thank G-D I am not in their shoes, or knock wood everyone I love is alive and healthy.

When tiny tragedies would occur in my life I would always say, “It’s okay, as long as I have my health, healthy parents and grandparents, I am all GOOD!”

But now, that has all changed.

Do you ever wonder why we are put in these predicaments?

Why does G-D think that we are so strong?

It has been a tremendously long and emotional two months for my family. It has been a struggle to stay positive in a very dark time…we are not a family who knows hardship, we are a family that knows love. All we know are good times because that is all we have ever had.

Hospitals, surgeries, chemo…these are not the things we know….but it it what we have been handed. It is what G-D thinks that we can handle both alone and as a unit. I suppose we should be thankful that we appear to be so strong.

As I head in to the weeks ahead; my mom will begin chemo and my grandma will be released from the hospital because they can no longer treat her.

Yes, I know I should be sad and scared and believe me I am but I must remember also to be thankful, and I am.

I am thankful for the 25 years I have spent without struggle. I am thankful for the 25 years I spent with my grandma when she was healthy. I am thankful for my mother making me strong enough to handle this. I am thankful for my mother, period. I don’t know HOW she is doing all that she is doing, while suffering herself. She is a woman of such incredible strength I feel lucky to even know her let alone call her my mother.

I don’t know what the immediate future holds but I am happy to say I have let go of the anger and accepted the cards I have been dealt/we have been dealt and I have learned to be thankful for the them.

There is a light at the end of this tunnel…I do often wonder why? But I now have the answer and it is simply because someone knew that my family was strong enough to handle this, and we are. All though these have been some of our most difficult days I am happy I have been able to experience them. It hurts to see my family hurt but it is amazing to see their strength. I admire my grandfather, my mother, my aunts and uncles, my cousins and my brothers. You are all so strong.

Sending love, prayers and positivity not just to my family but to anyone else who is struggling. Accept and embrace.

“It is faith that got me here. So it’s faith that will get me through.”

3 weeks ago, Grandma kissing her first grand child, my cousin Frankie, at his wedding.

The day I will be forever grateful for. Grandma walking down the aisle at her first grandchild’s wedding.

Grandma, Mom and I a few years back.
Grandma, Mom and I a few years back.

Spin Challenge

 

Spinning by Candlelight @ Soul Cycle VIA WSJ

I haven’t been so active on my blog because sometimes life gets in the way BUT if you do follow me on my other social networks you would without a doubt know that I am obsessed with SoulCycle. I spin there about 3-6 times a week, all over Manhattan with my favorite instructors Marvin, Halle, Jolie, Danny and Taye.

My SoulCycle obsession started in West Hollywood. I was conned into a 6 AM class by my friends with the ever so gorg but kick ass, Sunny. What I didn’t know when I walked in the classroom that day was that my life was forever changed. I need SoulCycle like I need water. The calorie burn, the inspiration, the music, the adrenaline rush…I love it all. I am certainly part of the cult.

However, this week I wanted to challenge myself. I want to see if it’s SoulCycle I love or is it indoor spinning in general. I have done my research and found my two other prospects, I am a gym snob, so a regular spin class in any old gym is just not going to do it for me! But Fly Wheel (which I have done several years ago) and Revolve seem to meet my standards. Both are in Manhattan and priced slightly lower than Soul. In fact, I purchased unlimited classes for 30 days for $149 at Revolve. A total steal if you ask me! I pay about $165, a week for SoulCycle.

So my agenda for the week is Fly Wheel, Revolve, Fly Wheel, Revolve. I’m even taking a FREE ride at Fly Wheel Flat Iron sponsored by Starbucks, tomorrow!

I am SO excited to try these places out and see just what else is going on in NYC’s SPIN world. I’ll fill you all in on my results! ImageImageImage

Check them out!

http://www.flywheelsports.com

http://www.revolvefitness.com

From the kitchen: Curried Coconut and Cauliflower Soup

Paula Sanders:

AH! This looks amazing!!! This is so happening in my kitchen this Sunday!

Originally posted on {love+cupcakes} Blog:

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It’s been cold lately, like really cold. Like scarf, hat and mittens cold. Like, all I want to eat is soup cold. We’re soupies regardless of the weather, but a bowl of hot soup on a cold winters night sure is something special. We had a head of cauliflower in the fridge that needed to get eaten the other night, but the thought of steaming it (which is what we usually do) just wasn’t appealing, so the wheels started turning. Curry? Check. Coconut milk? Check. Garlic? Onion? Check and check. The level of deliciousness this soup provided was totally unexpected, especially since the whole thing was winged but we have definitely found a new favorite. And I hope you enjoy it too!

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